Attendre et Espérer


Late in the summer of 2015 my father left. Nobody knows where the leaving go.

Seeing death so close, I began–as many do–to see death everywhere. I saw him in distant wars & with starving children, with the still-born baby & the teenage suicide, indiscriminately picking from the old and the young. Present in the daily newspaper and in ancient myths, the question of every scripture and a pulsing undertone of the romantic poets.

Though there is nothing to say that is yet unsaid, there is comfort in the saying.

This album is for Jerry Howard and for Barbara King and everyone they left behind; for Sandy Howard, Jordan Howard, Hanna Hutchinson, and David Bard. It is for everyone who leaves & everyone who is left.

Grief is the price of love & it is always paid too soon.

Written by Adam Howard

Recorded & Performed by Adam Howard with the help of:
Cameron Reed - Cello
Jodi Reed - Violin
Hanna Haas - additional vocals
Bethany Shorey Fennell - Clarinet

Mastered by Adam Gonsalves at Telegraph Mastering

Additional thanks to Henry Fennell & Bethany Shorey Fennell for providing a space in which to record, Caroline Overy for consistently giving thoughtful and invaluable feedback, Claire Laurensen, Roseanne Watt, and Stuart & Paul Thomson for taking me to Shetland to clear my head and for playing the songs with me until they found reliable shapes, to Hanna Hutchinson & Ali Burress for encouraging me during the sometimes discouraging process of bringing this album into the world—you told me it was good and I believed you—and to everyone who has inspired and provoked me in conversation during the years spanning its creation (especially Peter Myers & Paul Abbey); you are too many to name but too dear to be forgotten.

Texts & Samples Used (by track #):

  1. Lyrics adapted from 'Do Not Go Gentle Into that Good Night' by Dylan Thomas (1951).
  2. Text ('Quant à vous, Morrel…') from 'Le Comte De Monte Cristo' by Alexandre Dumas (1844) read by Éric Herson-Macarel for Sixtrid's 2015 audio production of the book.
  3. Text from 'The Bell Jar' by Sylvia Plath read by Maggie Gyllenhaal for HarperAudio's 2003 audio production of the book.
  4. Traditional Jewish Prayer of Mourning.
  5. Text ('I caught a glimpse of the meaning of death…') from 'Manalive' by G.K. Chesterton (1912) read by Alastair Smith. Lyrics from 'And Did Those Feet In Ancient Time' by William Blake (1808) with melody adapted from 'Jerusalem' by Sir Hubert Parry (1916).
  6. Lyrics adapted from 'If I Should Die' by Emily Dickinson (1892 published posthumously).
  7. Text from 'Le Comte De Monte Cristo' by Alexandre Dumas (1844) read by Madeleine Brossier.